Su Pollard's train of thought leaves our interviewer speechless.

'Hello, darling. Come into my lovely BBC dressing room. Look they've brought us some BBC sandwiches. Do you want tea, darling? Here, I've brought you a biscuit from the set of Oh, Dr Beeching. My character runs the ticket office at Hatley station. Her name's Ethel and she's a bit of a prude, really. David Croft tends to give us a key word to help with our character and mine is prude. I think it's really funny. It's set in 1961 just before Beeching started to axe the railways. There's a Hi-De-Hi! feel to it.

'I can remember 1961, you know. I was 11. I was very coquettish, I like that word. I always liked to flirt. I had a boyfriend when I was 11, you know. His father had a confectionery shop and he used to give me loads of Cadbury's chocolate. I'm footloose and fancy free now, darl. But I don't talk about men anymore because my mouth tends to run away with me. Hahaha. I love trains. I can't drive, you see. Trains are brilliant. I've had a few dates out of chatting on trains. I got chatted up by this vicar once. Oooo, he was gorge! GORGE!

'Have another sandwich, my darling. I was six when I started acting. I was the angel Gabriel's assistant and I had to stand on a cardboard box and say, "Fear not Mary, you will soon be with child." Then I fell through the lid. Ooooo, I was bloody mortified, but everyone laughed and I thought, "I could get used to this."

'When I was 11 I joined the co-operative arts theatre in Nottingham. Peter Bowles went there. I stayed until I came to London when I was 24 to be in the chorus of A Desert Song. We went on tour and when we got to Cardiff I thought the posters looked odd and they all said A Dessert Song. Hahaha. I'll be in Cardiff this year doing panto. Jack And The Beanstalk and I'm Jack. I hope the posters don't say Dick Whittington. Hahaha. I love panto. It's very often the first thing a kid will see in the theatre so it's a big responsibility. Whatever I've done I've always tried to give VFM. That's value for money, darling. Sounds like a radio station doesn't it, darl? VEE EFF EMMM, STEREOOOOO!

'I did Godspell in 1974. I got an Equity card from that. Ooooo, I've never been so thrilled in all my life as when I got me Equity card. I showed it to this man on the bus but he didn't know what it was, bless 'im. Then I got an agent too, and he had David Croft and Jimmy Perry on his books which is how I got Hi-De-Hi!. I hadn't done much telly before that. I did a sitcom which wasn't very funny. Me and Paul Nicholas played a hippie couple. And I did a few adverts. You only get an oo with Typhoo. That was me.

'I've done loads of chat shows. Gloria Hunniford, Michael Aspel, loads of Pebble Mills with Alan Titchmarsh. I call him Titmarsh. It's Titchmarsh really. I even had a Number Two record in 1986. It got beaten by Diana Ross but that's alright. She probably needed the money, poor cow. Hahaha.

'All I really want to do now is a duet with Barbara Streisand, who I adore. That and a movie. I've done everything else. I've had me own show and I've written a book about men. I went to Champneys to write it and I had a bottle of gin confiscated. They found it in me wardrobe. Hahaha. After Oh, Dr Beeching I'm off to New Zealand to do the Good Sex Guide revue. It's a bit saucy, a bit Benny Hill, but there's no porn. I've been to New Zealand before. It shuts at one o'clock. But the people are lovely.

'I don't like hobbies. I used to read Mills & Boon but I weaned myself off. I read Stephen King now, he scares me to death. I sometimes go to shows but the West End is going through the mill. I did Don't Dress For Dinner with Simon Cadell, God rest him, and Jane How, who was Dirty Den's mistress. And in less than a year we saw eight shows come and go in the theatre opposite. One had Vanessa Redgrave in.

'I sometimes think the West End doesn't know it's audience because Don't Dress For Dinner's still going. Have another sandwich, darling. Blimey, I really go on, me. You haven't got a word in edgeways darling, have yer?'
 

Brian Viner